Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
