it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
