now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
