I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
