My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
