I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Randomize
