So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
