i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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