Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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