You can't motorboat a personality
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
