Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
