I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
