you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
