Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
