When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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