So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
