walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Randomize
