Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
