So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
