i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
