too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
