one might say we're banned from that church
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
