Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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