he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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