its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
