I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
