I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
