Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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