fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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