Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize