she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
