Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We don't watch enough power rangers
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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