he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
