please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
