you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
