I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
