If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
its liver damage thursday
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
