I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
