I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
