I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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