Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
