I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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