i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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