goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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