dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
