you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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