Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
