Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
