Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
