i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
