did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
